We are talking about soccer, right?

The other day I was out shopping and couldn’t help notice that I was the only person in Johannesburg who wasn’t wearing a Bafana Bafana soccer jersey.

I couldn’t help but feel that this was some kind of mass conspiracy to confuse me, but as it turns out it wasn’t. Fridays are now “football Friday’s”, so apparently everyone in the entire country now wears this hideous yellow soccer regalia on a weekly basis.

Personally I don’t know what the big deal is. I mean, David Beckham isn’t even playing. I read in the Heat magazine that he got injured and is now reassessing his life, and that he wants Posh to spend less time shopping and more time at home with the boys.

Even as a lesbian I can appreciate how hot David Beckham is. David Beckham is so hot. To tell you the truth, I don’t even know why they’re still having this silly soccer thing if he’s not going to be in it.

And those stupid SA-flag sleeves they are selling on the side of the road these days are just ridiculous as well. You know those things- they fit like socks over your rearview mirrors and made your car look instantly R10k cheaper. And then there are also retarded little flags which you can attach to your roof or just wave wildly while you are driving.

When did we all become so patriotic?

As a general rule, I never read newspapers, listen to the radio, or watch anything on TV that has anything to do with local news/currents affairs. From what I hear, some guy called Julius Malema is causing a lot of shit, and our country may in fact be on the verge of civil war. Most people tell me I am very lucky to have an international passport and that I should probably start packing my bags right away.

I think I am very lucky, though, because for some strange reason politics really doesn’t affect me. I mean, I do my work, I go to the shops, I maybe visit with friends on the weekend. Nowhere in that schedule do you hear of Julius Malema or civil war, do you?

I don’t think so.

The only thing that concerns me these days are these hideous ill-fitting yellow soccer shirts. They’re everywhere. And I kind of feel out of place for being the only person who doesn’t have one. But no matter, for I have an ingenious solution: I am going to stay indoors on Fridays from now on.

Because, as far as I can see, the only atrocities occurring in this country right now are those god-awful soccer jerseys.