Don’t get me wrong, lesbians do have their melodramatic moments. Actually, living in a house of lesbians I have had the privilege and the right of being part of it most of the time. Sometimes I cause it. Not out of malicious intent or anything like that, of course, but just because sometimes I have nothing better to do. Truth be told, I consider it a public service of sorts. The gay flag is colorful people, lets live colorful lives! All of this conformity and status quo bullshit just makes me want to up my Prozac dosage. Yawn…
Not that long ago, a few weeks ago in fact, I was in a relationship with one of my housemates. My bedroom was upstairs and hers was downstairs. It started off innocently enough: she was bi-curious and I was busy with exams and stuff. Occasionally we would exchange pleasantries and then one night she told me she thinks she might be gay. I was trying to watch an episode of “The L word” at the time so I wasn’t really paying attention to her. Mom and Dad had warned me that this girl was of reputable character and tended to roam the streets of Beyers Naude late into the early morning hours. So when Straight Girl (I call her Straight Girl because I think she’s actually straight but just pretends to be gay to get attention) came out to me I decided not to touch her with a ten-foot pole or my tongue for that matter.
Mom and Dad are the lesbian couple that co-owns the house we lived in. They treat me like a child even though I am older than them. I get shouted at when I refuse to pick up their dog’s shit and sometimes I get banned from the TV room for my sarcasm. My best friend Pookie tells me I have no dignity or self-respect for putting up with it and I nod my head in silent agreement.
Straight Girl grew on me at a rapid rate. Kind of like an alien parasite that attaches itself to its host and sucks all the life and blood out of it. Looking back, I think Straight Girl was just what I needed at the time. Sure she was a crazy drunk but she reminded me of that Ricky Martin song: “She’ll make you take your clothes off and go dancing in the rain, she’ll make you live the crazy life and she’ll take away your pain…like a bullet to the brain!”. Straight Girl was the bullet to my brain and I went along for the ride with a smile on my face.
After I caught Straight Girl cheating on me I did what any angry dyke would do: I destroyed all of her earthly belongings and deleted her from my facebook friends. Sms-ing ensued and I was called down to the local Redneck police station to face charges of destruction of property blah blah blah yawn… In the end the charges were dropped and I was a bit upset about it because getting your mug-shot taken very gangsta and would have made an awesome profile picture!
While most lesbians it seems try to blandly conform to heterosexual stereotypes, I tried to be different. Straight Girl and I lived the crazy life, and I can tell you that the time passes infinitely slower without the nightly vodka drink-offs. While most lesbian couples are sitting at home watching DVD’s and deciding whether to adopt or opt for in-vitro fertilization, at least there was never a dull moment during our tempestuous co-dependent union. And now that I am single (and ready to mingle) again, I am left wondering how to find the interesting lesbians?
After Straight Girl moved out, I was left with a big gaping hole where my heart should be. All of that chaos and craziness made me feel more alive than I have for a long time. Now I need more of that and I don’t know where to find it. Maybe it will bite me in the ass again and leave me with yet another mysterious rash, but I’m willing to take that chance. I don’t know where Straight Girl is now- probably roaming the streets of Beyers Naude again- but I hope there are more lesbians out there like her.
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