Chapter 6

Alone for the first time since exiting the hallowed gates of OR Thambo International Airport, Lord Balah took a moment to process everything and decide where to go from here.  It might be a good idea, he decided, to have a nap before continuing his journey forward (but not backward).  He quickly found a patch of grass to lie down on in a small semi-wooded area just a few meters downhill from Helen Joseph Hospital, and soon fell into a deep sleep.

It was at the exact moment that Lord Balah’s brainwaves entered stage 4 of the REM sleep cycle that his mother’s apparition appeared again before him.  This time she was more purposeful in her tone, and instructed Lord Balah to find his father who, as it turns out, now living in Johannesburg.  She instructed her son to “follow the money”, for there it would lead him to his father.

When Lord Balah woke up from his 3 hour-long nap, the sun had already begun to set on day 2 of his epic journey.  Again unsure of where to go from here but knowing the only way was forward, he began walking uncertainly through the streets, until he noticed that all of the expensive cars were all traveling in the same direction.  Convinced that this was the sign he was looking for as he recalled his mother’s words of “follow the money” echoing in his mind, Lord Balah immediately began walking in the direction that the expensive cars were traveling in.  Remember however, dear reader, that the sun had already set by this time, and so it was a long and treacherous journey through the night to the place (although Lord Balah did not know it yet) they call Santon City.

At the same time in another part of town- Melville, to be exact- the twins Fei-Ying and Fei-Yang had befriended a small, unassuming group of gang-bangers known as the Rough Riders.  Obviously oblivious to the fact that “Rough Rider” is also the name of a particular brand of condoms, the Rough Riders seemed to think they owned the streets of Melville, and it was not for nothing that the other gangs in the surrounding areas left them alone:  the Rough Riders had a secret weapon which struck fear into the hearts of all who had suffered from the dreaded Rough Rider computer virus, which cruelly prevents the computer user from ever accessing Facebook, and in fact deletes the individual’s Facebook profile for all of eternity- a fate worse than death, many have exclaimed in fear.

Because the Rough Rider gang consisted mostly of computer hackers and maths prodigies, it was a given that almost all of them were Chinese.  Or Chinese-South African, as they preferred to be called.  For the twins this was their opportunity to communicate with people for the first time, and so it began that they appealed to the Rough Rider gang for a position within their informal organization by telling the group of their own very interesting and colorful journey to the small, incredibly dingy bar/ restaurant aptly named “Ratz” in which they found themselves sitting in that night…

The twins explained to the gang how at a young age they had decided to help their mother pay the bills by brainstorming ways to make money for themselves.  After their first venture, “Fei-Ying and Fei-Yang’s Magical Lemonade Stand” failed, the twins realized that Chinese people don’t really drink lemonade, and so they went in search of other entrepreneurial options.  After doing online research and conducting 7 separate surveys of their own after school, the twins came to the conclusion that sex sells.  And so it was with this thought in mind that the twins- at the tender age of 11 years- entered the seedy, underground world that was the Adult Entertainment Industry. After 5 tireless months and having starred in 250 kiddy-porn videos, the twins were successfully able to afford to buy their mother a nice house in a nice area and pay the bills for the next couple of years.  A job well done (pardon the pun), the twins then settled back into school life and left their kiddie-porn days behind them.

As the Rough Rider gang sat mesmerized by the twins and their story, it became apparent that the gang had found a new leader.  Just a few days before, their existing leader had disappeared mysteriously under suspicious circumstances, and the gap it left within the group was now being serendipitously filled by the ambitious twins.

Determined to become rich and powerful business moguls like their hero Donald Trump, the twins decided that their first plan of action was to make sure their gang looked the part, and so the whole group was scheduled for dual facial reconstruction and liposuction surgeries the next morning.  The twins, being the only females in the group, went for matching breast enlargements in addition to the aforementioned operations, as well as convincing the gang’s IT specialist, Quintin, to implant small silicone chips in their frontal lobes, which would enable them to speak and understand English.  And so, dear reader, began the process of world domination for the- as yet- small, unassuming Rough Rider gang, as they began phase one of the twins “Extreme Make-Over: World Domination” edition.