During the twin’s top secret brainstorming session, it was decided by the group that the best way to repay Lord Balah for having saved their lives was to help him achieve his dream of becoming a sangoma. Being the rich, powerful business moguls the twins now were, they knew that it would not be difficult to achieve, and so phase 1 of “Operation “make Lord Balah a famous sangoma” had begun.
Within days, Lord Balah’s face had been plastered on billboards, magazines and pamphlets all around South Africa. Not content to just keep it local, the twins decided to make Lord Balah famous on a grand, extravagant scale.
Soon, Lord Balah was being interviewed by all the most world-renown journalists: Larry King, Anderson Cooper, Oprah Winfrey, and he even did a quick segment on “The View” with Barbara Walters and the rest of the angry, sexually frustrated women on the show.
Everywhere he went, Lord Balah was being recognized as the world’ most famous sangoma. And like we all know, dear reader, fame can be a jealous master: so busy was Lord Balah with interviews and press junkets, that he had all but forgotten about becoming a sangoma. Indeed- just like Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan before him- Lord Balah was now, simply, famous for being famous.
Still not satisfied that they had fully repaid their debt to Lord Balah, the twins decided to buy him a seat on the most powerful and influential board in the world: the Illuminati.
The Illuminati is a small group of powerful individuals who get together once a month to make decisions which affect the rest of the world. Established hundreds of years ago by such luminaries as Leonardo da Vinci and Isaac Newton, the goal of the Illuminati was to help ensure that the world did not ever fall into evil hands. The plan was to recruit members based solely on merit, so that the group would form a panel of philosopher-kings, which would then- not only ensure the human race’s survival- but would ensure that the whole world was moving towards the ultimate goal of self-actualization.
Unfortunately, since then, the human race has somewhat fallen into disrepair, and the quality of individuals has significantly decreased. The first person to buy their way onto the Illuminati panel was King Henry the 8th sometime in the early 1800’s, and since then anyone with enough money has been able to become one of these secret group memebrs.
How the Illuminati worked was that a topic of discussion would be raised, and each member of the panel would vote and give an explanation for their choice. Usually, however, such meetings often turned into vicious name-calling, mud-slinging matches, where not a lot of decisions were being made these days- hence the dismal state of current world affairs. From the Illuminati headquarters, orders would then be emailed to all the world’s leaders- who, as it so happens, are nothing more than puppets for the Illuminati.
Today the Illuminati consists of 10 illustrious members, all of whom had no idea the organization existed until they were recruited by existing members. I’m sure, dear reader, you are anxious to know who these illustrious members are, so here you are: the twins,Fei-Ying and Fei-Yang; Tom cruise, Madonna, Brad and Angelina Jolie-Pitt, George Bush Jr., Osama Bin laden, the Sultan of Brunei, and last but not least- Lord Balah himself.
Having been recruited by the twins, Lord Balah now found himself sitting next to them around a large, round oak table. A new member who still had to be approved by the rest of the organization, Lord Balah had been blind-folded on their journey there, so he had no idea what city- or even what country- he was in. Unblindfolded now, Lord Balah sat watching the other members enter the room. Unfortunately, that day the organization’s baby-sitter had fallen ill with chicken pox, and so both Tom Cruise and the Jolie-Pitts had brought their children with.
From the minute the others had entered the room, chaos had erupted. Lord Balah sat motionless as he watched Tom Cruise jump up and down on his seat, shouting obscenities into his cell phone, as his poor daughter sat frightened in the corner sucking her thumb. Meanwhile, the Jolie-Pitts were having an argument about whose turn it was to change Shiloh’s nappy. Apparently Shiloh, now 4 years old, has a problem with wetting the bed- which had now extended to wetting her pants every half hour- and Bradgelina stood screaming over whose child she really was. According to Angelina, Shiloh was Brad’s child, since he was so determined to have biological children, and so Angelina felt it was his turn to change Shiloh’s diaper. Although Brad didn’t disagree with her, Angelina’s constant immasculisation and unrelenting emotional abuse had caused him to disagree with her- not on the issue itself, he thought to himself, but merely on principle.
The rest of the Illuminati sat inconspicuously in their seats. Madonna- ever the exercise maniac- had brought her treadmill with her, and so now jogged determinedly while she waited for the meeting to start. George Bush and Osama Bin Laden, as it turns out, were both shy, introverted men, and sat quietly enjoying a stimulating game of chess. The Sultan of Brunei could not understand English, and so very seldom contributed to the meetings, choosing instead to sit playing with his small toy cars.
After Shiloh’s nappy had been changed (by Brad) and the rest of the Jolie-Pitt children had been locked in the adjacent room, the power couple sat down and called the meeting to order. By this time, Tom Cruise had hung up on whoever was on the other side of the phone, and had calmed down and sat quietly in his seat. Madonna, sweating like a chimpanzee, had quickly changed into a trendy Ed Hardy tracksuit, and was also sitting ready for the meeting to commence. George Bush and Osama Bin Laden seldomly contributed to these meetings either, and so were allowed to quietly continue their chess game, whilst the Sultan of Brunei played with his toy cars.
First on the organization’s agenda that day, was the initiation of their new member, Lord Balah. Pleased that they were now fulfilling their BEE quotient, the group happily welcomed Lord Balah into their fold. As a new member, however, Lord Balah was obliged to undergo rigorous questioning as to what his intended purpose was in becoming a member of their illustrious group.
Unsure and unprepared, Lord Balah had no idea what to say to the rest of the Illuminati, and so it was decided that they would finish the meeting and then get back to him. First on the agenda for the day was Global Warming. The Jolie-Pitts voted against it, as did the rest of the group. And so it had been decided there and then that global warming did not exist. This decision would then be handed on a piece of paper to the group’s secretary, who would then email it to the rest of the world’s leaders- who would then instruct their scientists, biologists and nuclear physicists to verify this with “scientific facts”.
The second order of the day was the Recession. This topic, however, was far more controversial than the first, and the room quickly became divided into two opposing camps: the recession believers on the one side, and the recession denialists on the other.
The recession believers consisted of Madonna, Tom Cruise, Osama Bin Laden and the Sultan of Brunei. The recession denialists consisted of the Jolie-Pitts, George Bush and the twins, Fei-Ying and Fei-Yang. Lord Balah at this time was not permitted to vote, since he had not yet performed his initiation speech. Soon, the room had once again erupted into a cacophony of shouting, screaming and vicious name-calling. Being the passionate people they were, it was in no time that Tom Cruise was once again jumping frantically up and down in his seat, and the ever-obsessive Madonna had hopped back onto her treadmill in order to calm herself down (Madonna, as those close to her know, has a violent temper). Suddenly and without warning, the door concealing the rest of the Jolie-Pitt clan had been bashed down, and the room was now beset by what seemed like hundreds of small children- of every race, creed and color- running around like maniacs screaming and breaking things and causing havoc.
After what felt like hours of unbridled chaos, the room settled down and it was decided that they would not vote on the Recession. By this time, the children had all fallen asleep, and lay scattered around the room like tiny toy soldiers. Despite the excitement of the last few hours, however, the group had not forgotten about Lord Balah- nor his initiation speech- and so now they called on him to stand up and proclaim his destiny…
No comments:
Post a Comment