Gaydar 101

So you’ve recently met an attractive woman and you really like her. You want her and you know it but you’re not sure if she’s a lesbian or not. Through no fault of your own, years of being a total closet case has left your Gaydar rusty and underdeveloped.

Well, fear no more! Here are 10 easy clues to determine whether that special lady is in fact a lesbian or not.

1.     Short spiky hair

If a woman has short hair you can be quite certain that she is a lesbian, or at least has lesbian inclinations. However, if her hair is short AND spiky, then you know she is a lesbian for sure. Also, the more outrageous the hairdo, the gayer the woman is likely to be.

2.     Star tattoos

If a woman has a tattoo of a star or stars on her body, then you can be assured she is a lesbian.  It can usually be found either on the wrist or the back of the neck, or else there will be a sequence of 4-5 stars on the leg, foot or arm somewhere.

3.     Plays acoustic guitar

From K.D Lang to Tracy Chapman to Melissa Etherige to our own local singer/songwriter Melanie Lowe, there can be no denying that the acoustic guitar serves as some sort of comforting phallic object for many lesbian women. So if the woman you like plays the acoustic guitar, you can be pretty sure she’s as gay as the day is long.

4.     Played/plays softball

It’s an undeniable fact of life that any woman that plays or has played softball is/has become a lesbian. If you ask me, the act of hitting a soft ball with a bat is probably an exhibition of a sub-conscious hatred of men or something deep like that. Also, any sport with the suffix “action” at the beginning of it is an undeniable indication of lesbian activity- action cricket, action soccer, action netball… The lesbians love them some ‘action’, so if the woman you’re interested in play one of these sports you can be secure in the knowledge that you’re in with fighting chance.

5.     Wears Converse sneakers

Yes that’s right, any woman over the age of 18 that wears Converse sneakers is probably a lesbian. If she wears them to formal functions with jeans and a shirt then you really know for sure. Lesbians have probably kept the entire Converse brand afloat after they went out of fashion sometime in the late 90’s, and continue to do so in their droves. In addition, if a woman has more than one pair of said sneakers then it is not even a question anymore…She’s definitely a lesbian.

6.     Has a Pink live DVD

Lesbians absolutely worship the singer Pink, and most have at least one DVD of her live performances. Put one of these in the ‘ol DVD player and watch grown women be reduced to drooling, ogling simple-mined specimens. So a good way to find our if the woman you like is a lesbian just ask her what music she likes…If she mentions Pink, Katy Perry and/or The Veronicas then chances are she’s a lesbian.

7.     Worships Angelina Jolie

Now this one I really don’t understand but it’s true: lesbians love Angelina Jolie. They think she’s the hottest woman in the world (besides Pink and Shane from the L-word) and totally worship her. Ask any lesbian who her fantasy woman is and she will say the name of this crazy bisexual* actress.

8.     Has watched the “Twilight” movies more than once and has an unnatural affinity for Edward Cullen

For some curious reason, lesbians absolutely love the movie Twilight. On some level, most of them think that they are Edward Cullen, and after watching the movie usually start dressing like him. Maybe it’s out of a desire to appear deep and mysterious or maybe it’s just because Edward Cullen is really cool, but there can be no denying that the lesbians love them some Edward Cullen.

9.     Drives a ‘muscle’ car

Some feminine lesbians are very good at looking and appearing ‘straight’- sometimes to the point that even an expert Gaydar like my own wouldn’t detect them. I have always found with such women that they tend to save their gayness for their cars- they usually always drive some sort of ultra-masculine, heavy-on-the-petrol automobile like a Jeep or Range Rover or something. Some of them even ride motorbikes, which is a dead give-away for being a lesbian. So they moral of the story on this one is to never throw your hopes away until you have at least seen the woman’s car.

10. Was born/raised in the East Rand of Johannesburg

Seriously, I don’t know what they put in the water there but it seems like every woman in that place is a lesbian.  And what’s more, these are the ‘scary’ lesbians that one must be wary of in clubs, since they often have the testosterone levels of raging bulls on heat and will not hesitate to break your toes with their heavy-duty platform shoes.

So there you go ladies and closet cases, here is your ultimate list of how to determine whether that friend, co-worker, neighbor etc.  of your desire is a lesbian or not.  My job is done, now it’s your turn to go out there and take a chance on love!

* Disclaimer: Please be advised that this list does not apply to bisexuals, who tend to be crazy, promiscuous, indiscriminating and soulless in nature. If you want my advice, stay away from bisexuals at all costs…The only thing you will ever get from them is a broken heart and a bad case of the itches (in your nether regions!).

Lord Balah and the Witches: An Epic Tragi-Comedy in 14 Parts

Dear Reader!

Below is the 14 chapters of my epic novella entitled "Lord Balah and the Witches"!

Prologue

Hello dear reader and welcome to the story of the legend they call “Lord Balah” and his gaggle of whores they call “the Witches”.  Lord Balah is an African sangoma who was adopted at birth by an old aristocratic English couple who were holidaying in the foothills of Lesotho one winter day a long time ago.  Found abandoned by a river by Lord Chisselton one dewy morning whilst out hunting the rare and elusive Dingbat pigeon (a rare delicacy amongst the European royal classes and most often eaten raw on a bed of creamed spinach, the Dingbat pigeon has since become an extinct species), Lord Balah was quickly accepted into their family as their own, and was subsequently raised in great opulence and grandeur in the English countryside of Derbyshire, where- as the name suggests- the townspeople hold a lot of derbies throughout the year.

After turning 18 years old, Lord Balah (then called Edward by his adopted family) began having strange dreams and visions which he could not explain.  When he informed Lord and Lady Chisselton of these, he was immediately sent to the most expensive psychiatrist in the nearby city of London, where he was promptly diagnosed as paranoid schizophrenic and put on an immediate cocktail of anti-depressants, anti-psychotics and anti-hallucinogenic medication.  Despite this, however, the dreams and visions persisted until one fateful evening an apparition appeared before him…

The person standing before Edward (which was his name at the time) introduced herself as his mother, Thembi Kwokwo.  She told him how she had died giving birth to him on that dewy winters morning:  she was at the river fetching water to wash the dishes with, when she suddenly began having violent and forceful contractions- her uterus quickly spewing the baby from within her womb onto the side of the river.  Thereafter she lost consciousnesses from shock and loss of blood, and fell unceremoniously into the river, never to be see or heard from again.  She went on to tell him that although she was just a simple peasant, that his father was a very powerful and influential Sangoma, and that it was his destiny to follow in his father’s footsteps.

When Edward woke up the next morning, he suddenly and without question felt ready to fulfill his destiny.  All his life he had never felt like he belonged in the English countryside- or even Europe for that matter- and so it was without hesitation that he packed his Abercrombie and Fitch backpack, bade farewell to his adopted parents, and made his way to the country of his birth:  South Africa.  Armed only with a suitcase full of clothes and a heart full of hope, Edward changed his name to Lord Balah and began his quest to fulfill his destiny.

Chapter 1

Having forgotten that you need money to survive in the world, Lord Balah arrived in South Africa with not a penny, nickel or dime to his name.  After announcing his intended change of name to the Chisselton’s, they had wasted no time in quickly disinheriting him from the family fortune and removing all photo’s of him from the Mans (which was short for Mansion, dear humble reader).  Lord Balah was not much bothered by this, however, knowing instead in his heart that all he really needed was his dream, and for everything else the universe would provide.

It must be pointed out here, dear reader, that as a boy Lord Balah was home schooled, and thus had always lived a solitary, somewhat lonely life within the Chisselton Country Estate.  From as early as he could remember, his only friends were the horses the family kept in the stables, where he would spend every afternoon feeding them carrots.  It is for this reason that when Lord Balah entered the arrival gates of the large and imposing OR Thambo airport that his senses were soon overcome by the sights, sounds and general anarchy  that is characteristic of daily South African life.

At first Lord Balah was overwhelmed by the noise and chaos which greeted him, but with the help of some cotton wool he happened to have remembered to pack in his toiletry bag which he proceeded to stuff into his ears he was soon fine.  Unsure of where to go or how to get there, Lord Balah decided to sit in the waiting area for a while to gather his thoughts and decide on a plan of action.

Before he could even remove his backpack from his shoulders to sit down, Lord Balah found himself being violently accosted by an angry man who seemed to be accusing him of something which he could not quite make out, since he still had wads of cotton wool stuffed in his ears.  Unsure of what to do or even what was happening, Lord Balah stood motionless pressed against the wall, staring down the barrel of a menacing fist whilst being yelled at by someone he had never met or even seen before in his life.  Timid by nature and a pacifist by choice, the thought of retaliating or even attempting to defend himself never once crossed our hero’s mind.

After what seemed like a significant amount of time had passed and Lord Balah remained pinned to the wall by his anonymous accoster, Lord Balah noticed a woman standing a few meters behind the angry man.  She seemed to be watching in quiet curiosity, although this emotion (Lord Balah could perceive) was being masked by a façade of tears and faked concern.  Being the sensitive soul he was, it was a curious gift Lord Balah possessed that he was very easily able to discern people’s true motives and intentions- sometimes when even they themselves could not.

Within a few seconds of seeing the mystery woman, Lord Balah had realized the meaning of the scenario playing out before him:  having been accused by her boyfriend of infidelity, the frightened woman had pointed to the closest man in sight in order to protect her clandestine lover’s true identity.  To any rational person it would not make any sense at all that said clandestine lover would be at the airport with the unhappy couple at that exact moment, but unfortunately as Lord Balah knew when one is overcome with passion it is of necessity that all reason falls away.  He knew this not because he himself had ever been in love or experienced passion in any way, but he had learnt about it from Shakespeare whilst studying for his A and O levels.

After realizing what was going on, Lord Balah- who had been a practicing Buddhist since his fourteenth birthday- decided to talk to the angry man and help to quieten his nerves.  He quickly removed the cotton wool from his ears and spoke…

The pontsy English accent which emanated from Lord Balah’s mouth soon drew a sea of fascinated stares from passers-by who had never seen a black man talk in such a manner before.  In fact, his angry accoster soon grew quite frightened by this startling anomaly before him and ran hastily out of the airport, whilst his girlfriend (or shall we now presume ex-girlfriend) stood staring at Lord Balah, frozen in shock.

Unsure of exactly what to do about this recent development, Lord Balah stood for a moment keeping an eye on the ex-girlfriend whose name he now discovered to be Trudie from a locket which bore that name hanging around her neck.  Although they were standing a considerable distance from one another, it is well known within the Chisselton family that Lord Balah has excellent eyesight.  Once, when Lord Chisselton was having an affair with one of the stable maids, it was Lord Balah who had spotted the evidence- a lone piece of hay- hidden discretely beneath his shirt collar.  Of course, Lord Balah never told anybody of this forbidden liaison, but every member of the Chisselton family had been caught red-handed at one time or another-either in the act or soon thereafter- of performing some or other debaucherous deed by Lord Balah’s excellent eyesight and prodigious eye for detail.

Lord Balah decided immediately that the next course of action was to console this poor woman whose name he now knew was Trudie.  Soon, Trudie had opened up to Lord Balah completely, and was 2 hours into telling him her life story when she remembered why she was at the airport in the first place:  she and Johnny (Lord Balah’s angry accoster) had traveled all the way from their home in the East Rand that fateful day to fetch Trudie’s two young twin sisters who had just finished high school and were coming to visit their older sister on what was to be leg 1 of their 7 continent, 56 country world tour.  After narrowly scraping through their end-of-year exams, the twins Fei-Ying and Fei-Yang had decided that life in communist China was not what they wanted for themselves, and so they had decided that even though they had no idea what they wanted to do with their lives that traveling around the world, one city at a time, would surely help them to figure it out.  Having been born to a Chinese mother whilst their (and Trudie’s) father had been in the country on a business trip some 18 years before, the tech-savvy twins had found Trudie on Facebook some 3 months before and had organized to stay with their long-lost half sister in Boksburg for a few weeks.

As Trudie explained to Lord Balah the reason for her whereabouts at that time, he turned unexpectedly to see the twins standing suddenly at her side.  Dressed in obscenely revealing tight pink matching skirts and tops, and draped in cheap fake gold jewellery, even Lord Balah could not mistake the resemblance between the half-siblings.  Granted they didn’t have the same skin color, body types or facial features, but they certainly had the same lack of modesty and general inappropriateness when it came to their fashion sense.

And so there the four of them stood:  Lord Balah watching as Trudie tried to introduce herself to the twins for the first time in person.  As it turns out, the twins couldn’t speak a word of English, and had been using an interpreter during their Facebook conversations with Trudie.  Also unbeknownst to their unsuspecting half-sister, the twins had escaped illegally from their communist country, where- as it turns out- traveling outside of its borders is illegal except for diplomats and foreign ambassadors.  Unbeknownst to all four of our characters as well, the Chinese Secret Service had just discovered the twins’ escape and had deployed an undercover agent to find them and return them to within the country’s barbed-wired borders…

Chapter 2

After making their way out of the airport and into a mini-bus taxi, Lord Balah and the Witches soon found themselves in the heart of the city of Johannesburg:  in the place they call Hillbrow.  Convinced that accommodation in the area would be cheap, Trudie had persuaded Lord Balah that it was in their best interest to find somewhere to sleep before the sun went down.  Johannesburg at night, they all knew (except for the twins, who at this point were quite oblivious to the dangerousness of their now unfamiliar surroundings) was no place for innocent souls like themselves to be.

Without hesitation Lord Balah and the Witches found a small room in a cheap, ramshackled hotel.  Unfortunately, their room only had one bed, and so it was decided that the twins and Trudie would sleep head-to-toe whilst Lord Balah slept at the door in order to provide protection against possible (and probable) intruders.

As they began unpacking their things, Trudie noticed a set of papers the twins were staring at with what seemed like an unnatural amount of concentration.  Stepping forward to read what was written on them, Trudie saw with horror that it was a marriage certificate.  Speaking in unison (in Chinese, so that neither Trudie nor Lord Balah could understand what they were saying), the twins explained how in order to escape their homeland they had married a South-African man via the internet, and that it was he who had organized their untimely illegal escape.  Of course, their story went un-understood amongst their half-sister and Lord Balah, who stood perplexed and disorientated as the twins jumped around enthusiastically and with great expression as they described how they had applied prosthetic masks, donned devious disguises, and dodged deadly bullets on their journey to the southern tip of the African continent.  After twenty minutes of acrobatic story-telling, they twins gave up hopelessly and fell sleepily onto the small single bed for their first rest since their heroic journey had begun 3 days prior.

Exhausted himself from his long journey from England, Lord Balah decided to have a nap himself, only to be startled back to consciousness by a loud knocking at the door.  The man on the other end forcefully stepped into the room and offered to purchase the twins for R5000.  Fearful and reluctant, Lord Balah politely declined the Nigerian man’s offer but promised to consider it further and get back to him in a few hours.  By this time, Trudie has nestled herself quietly under the bed for safety- which is where she would sleep for the rest of their stay at the godforsaken inn in which they found themselves.

Although neither Lord Balah nor Trudie had understood the twin’s story about their escape to South Africa, they did recognize the fact that the pair had in their possession a marriage license with their names on.  Familiar with the explosion of online marriages to particularly Chinese and Eastern European girls in the Boksburg area since the advent of the internet, Trudie understood that her innocent half-sisters had probably been purchased by a lonely motor-car mechanic with a wonky eye named Kobus, and quickly decided that that was no life for them.

Determined that her sisters deserved a better life than a tacky arranged marriage, Trudie decided there and then that Fei-Ying and Fei-Yang were getting a divorce from Kobus Jansen Van Rensburg just as soon as they could find the nearest place where they do divorce proceedings.  Lord Balah informed her that such procedures could be performed by any government employee (he was not sure if he was correct in his assumption but was nevertheless a good improviser and indeed thoroughly convincing in his improvisations), and so Trudie without hesitation scurried down the stairs to the police officer who just a few minutes earlier had offered her R50 for a hand job and asked him to dissolve the twin’s marriage. 

High on a mixture of LSD-laced marijuana and crack cocaine as Trudie approached him, the unsuspecting police officer- besieged by fear and paranoia at this sudden and unexpected appearance within his peripheral vision- quickly pulled out his gun and shot three times at the stack of papers which Trudie now stood holding out at him.  And so it was that the twins’ marriage was dissolved, and they were once again single and ready to mingle amidst a cold and indifferent world, whilst somewhere in the East Rand sat a broken and unhappy man realizing that once again his heart had been broken by a woman.  Two women, in fact.  And it was in that moment that Kobus Jansen Van Rensburg decided that he would get his revenge…

Chapter 3

Trudie returned to the room from her ordeal with the police officer shaken and suffering from the beginnings of Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome, and silently crawled under the bed to escape into sleep for a while.  By this time, Lord Balah himself had succumbed to exhaustion and was lying curled up uncomfortably on the floor, as the twins snored expressively on the bed.  Gunshots rang out in the distance as, presumably, a drug deal turned sour, or an angry pimp found his whore sleeping on the proverbial job.  For Lord Balah and the Witches, however, the night passed smoothly and without incident, as they all lay lifeless recovering from the day’s excitement- which, unbeknownst to them, was the beginning of an epic and now legendary journey which will forever be remembered in the annals of history.

It was unexpected, then, that Lord Balah and the Witches would be unceremoniously awoken by an angry mob of Afrikaans men sporting hideously unfashionable mullets and mean expressions on their faces.  In the middle of the circle, looking down on the panic-stricken and slightly confused twins, stood their now ex-husband Kobus Jansen Van Rensburg.  Having vowed to never again be belittled or emotionally abused by a woman the way his mother used to when he was a child, Kobus Jansen Van Rensburg had spent the last 24 hours hunting the twins down by using his rottweiler, Killer, to sniff the pair of G-string thongs the twins had sent him in their attempt to woo him into financing their intrepid escape from communist China.  Hell bent on finding them and exacting his revenge, Kobus Jansen Van Rensburg had easily rustled up a group of unemployed, washed-out drinking buddies to join him on his quest.

As you, dear reader, are familiar with by now, Lord Balah is a particularly sensitive and evolved soul who is against violence in all its many forms.  Despite this fact, however, it is a closely held secret within the Chisselton family that for five years- between the ages of 8 and 13 years of age- that Lord Balah had been unnaturally obsessed with Bruce lee movies, and had watched “Enter the Dragon” at least 30 times.  Somehow mysteriously during this time, the boy then known as Edward had somehow absorbed everything he had seen on the television screen, and without even throwing one roundhouse kick or performing a single kata, had learnt the basic art of fighting.

Although at this moment in time his pacifist ideals were being challenged to their limit, Lord Balah quickly remembered back to a scene in one of Chuck Norris’s (another childhood hero of his) movies in which he says something about violence being justified if it is in self-defense.  In fact, as Lord Balah recalled, Mister Meyagie had said exactly the same thing to Daniel-San in the Karate Kid.  And so it was without remorse that Lord Balah graciously opened up a can of whip ass, which resulted in every member of the East Rand gang lying face down in their own blood.  Thereafter it was unanimously decided amongst Lord Balah and his female companions that it was time to (immediately) leave the humble, godforsaken inn and find another place to stay.

Without even grabbing their bags containing the few belongings they possessed, Lord Balah and the Witches ran silently from the hotel and stepped into the early morning summer sun.  Already the streets were lined with mini-bus taxi’s, and so Lord Balah and the Witches hopped unhesitantly into the closest one and Trudie gave the driver the name of their next intended destination:  a place she had heard about and seen depicted in a movie once but had never been to herself (despite the fact that her mother had been born and raised there)…  Their next port of call, ladies and gentlemen, was Sofia Town.

Chapter 4

Out of harms way from Kobus Jansen Van Rensburg and his redneck lynch mob, Lord Balah and the Witches sank quietly into their seats in the mini-bus taxicab.  As they hurtled dangerously through the streets of Johannesburg, the twins took it upon themselves to convince the large African woman sitting next to them to braid Lord Balah’s hair.  Preppy and well groomed in appearance at that moment, Lord Balah still looked remarkably like that irritating character Carlton from popular 90’s TV show “The Fresh Prince of Bel Air”.  Intent on giving him a make-over like the ones they used to watch illegally (its illegal to watch American TV in communist China) on pirated DVD’s they would buy from bootleggers in dark alleyways, the twins skillfully cajoled the large woman into performing their request.

An entrepreneurial pair if ever there was one, the twins Fei-Ying and Fei-Yang had begun concocting money-making schemes from a young age.  They were the only children of a single mother who worked two jobs- one sowing rice in the rice fields during the day and another making Nike sneakers in a sweatshop at night- in order to put food on the table.  Not exactly dutiful daughters but yet still aspiring businesswomen, the twins had begun their now exhaustive list of money-making schemes in order to help their mother pay the bills and send them to school.  Groomed on re-runs of “The Apprentice”, the twins dreamt of the day that they too would own a large multibillion dollar corporation like their hero, Donald Trump, and get to sit behind a desk all day telling people that they were fired. 

Lord Balah stepped out of the mini-bus taxi a changed man.  Maybe not spiritually or even emotionally, but he certainly looked very different: his hair was now a large mane of Rastafarian-like dreadlocks which had random, colorful beads littered within the strands like the lights on a Christmas tree.  In addition to this, the twins had swapped his Polo golf-shirt and khaki pants for a large animal-skinned coat, which Lord Balah now found himself wearing.  Not a modern, conventional look by any means, the twins had “gone with their gut” (as their other hero, Heidi Klum, likes to say when it comes to fashion).  All in all it was agreed amongst the group (Trudie silently nodded her head but as yet was unable to speak due to the steadily mounting Post Traumatic Stress Disorder which was in the process of ravaging her fragile psyche) that Lord Balah indeed now looked like a Sonoma.  Feeling a bit uncomfortable in his new outfit, especially since he was no longer wearing pants, Lord Balah quietly convinced himself that the twins had done him a great service.  He was on a quest to become a powerful Sangoma like his father, after all, and he knew that in this day and age- where image, quite literally, is everything- that in order to fulfill his destiny he would eventually have to look the part.

Arriving in the not-so-sleepy but still unconscious town they call Sofia, Lord Balah was greeted by a sea of stares as he and the Witches stepped uncertainly through the busy shopping center.  To stand out in a place like Triomf, dear reader, is indeed a very serious accolade, and it was with great intrigue that the locals watched Lord Balah and the Witches make their way through this new and unfamiliar territory.

The history of Sofia Town (also now called Triomf for some curious, unknown reason) dates back many years.  Once the bustling Jazz capital of the world, it is often rumored that Mariah Carey lived there as a teenager, where she learnt how to find her “inner voice” and become the sensational singing super-star she is today.  Lord Balah was a huge Mariah Carey fan, in fact, and had read this informational tit-bit about her once on Wikipedia.  However, looking at the townspeople as he stepped through the crowd that day, Lord Balah couldn’t help but feel that the story was nothing more than a vicious rumor, for all he could see here were zombie-like creatures possessing varying degrees of Down Syndrome dressed in clothes that Elizabeth Taylor would have worn sometime in the 1970’s had she been born colour-blind and raised in a trailor park.  Indeed, nothing in his life before this could have prepared him for what he saw today…It was as if he had fallen straight into the Village of the Damned because, truly, by the looks of these inbreds Lord Balah could not help but feel that the town as a whole was being punished karmically for some great sin they had obviously once committed.  As a once-practicing Buddhist, Lord Balah knew that life is not innately unfair, but rather the case that when it does become so its probably because the person (or town as a collective whole, in this case) in question did something to deserve it.

As the unlikely foursome exited the shopping center and made their way through the parking lot, they were suddenly approached by a carguard who swiftly produced a large open suitcase before them and began to hawk a cacophony of cheap, thoroughly useless items.  An enchanting salesman nonetheless, the carguard proceeded to offer them special discounts on a vast array of stolen  and/or cheap imitation products.  Unfortunately, none of them had any money on them, and so it was within a blink of an eye that Lucky the carguard had closed his seductive suitcase and disappeared from before them as if an apparition dissolving into the night.

Before they could proceed forward in their journey (they did not know where they were going but Lord Balah had once read that it was always better to go forward, not backward, and so he had decided that they would proceed forward), another relentless hawker jumped unexpectedly into their path.  This intrepid entrepreneur- with distinctly Chinese features, the twins thought but were not sure- quickly introduced himself as Solomon and presented them with his product:  “Mucodo Cream” which, it said in small letters beneath the title on the  tube, was “for enlargening the penis, making it big and strong on a permanent basis”.  Being a virgin himself, Lord Balah’s face soon had turned bright red, which- together with his chocolate-brown skin- served to cause him to have turned a dark shade of purple and to look like a purple smurf.  The twins, not understanding the dialogue taking place before them nor the fine print on the Mucoco Cream tube, looked on curiously at the man named Solomon, feeling in their gut that they had seen him somewhere before.  As this all took place, Trudie stood at their side watching people walking in and out of the shopping center, understanding for the first time the negative biological consequences of interbreeding, and said a silent prayer of thanks that that one time her and her second cousin Jaco fooled around that they didn’t get any further than second base.  Lord Balah by this time had grown more embarrassed than he had ever felt in his entire life, and suddenly and without warning yelled out to the Witches to run for their lives…And so the four of them ran out of the Sofia Town shopping center, looking forward but not backward, unsure yet again of where to go next.

As the man named Solomon watched Lord Balah and the Witches escape from his near grasp, he stealthily moved his hand over his face and pulled away the prosthetic mask which hid his Chinese features, and pulled out his Secret Service Walkie Talkie in order to contact “Mother Goose” (the code name for the Secret Service Headquarters) and inform his Lieutenant that he is close to capturing the twins.  Hot on their heels, Secret Agent Hudson Hawk knew that Lord Balah and the twins could not outrun him forever, and so he changed his disguise and proceeded to follow them to their- as yet unknown- next destination.