Gaydar 101

So you’ve recently met an attractive woman and you really like her. You want her and you know it but you’re not sure if she’s a lesbian or not. Through no fault of your own, years of being a total closet case has left your Gaydar rusty and underdeveloped.

Well, fear no more! Here are 10 easy clues to determine whether that special lady is in fact a lesbian or not.

1.     Short spiky hair

If a woman has short hair you can be quite certain that she is a lesbian, or at least has lesbian inclinations. However, if her hair is short AND spiky, then you know she is a lesbian for sure. Also, the more outrageous the hairdo, the gayer the woman is likely to be.

2.     Star tattoos

If a woman has a tattoo of a star or stars on her body, then you can be assured she is a lesbian.  It can usually be found either on the wrist or the back of the neck, or else there will be a sequence of 4-5 stars on the leg, foot or arm somewhere.

3.     Plays acoustic guitar

From K.D Lang to Tracy Chapman to Melissa Etherige to our own local singer/songwriter Melanie Lowe, there can be no denying that the acoustic guitar serves as some sort of comforting phallic object for many lesbian women. So if the woman you like plays the acoustic guitar, you can be pretty sure she’s as gay as the day is long.

4.     Played/plays softball

It’s an undeniable fact of life that any woman that plays or has played softball is/has become a lesbian. If you ask me, the act of hitting a soft ball with a bat is probably an exhibition of a sub-conscious hatred of men or something deep like that. Also, any sport with the suffix “action” at the beginning of it is an undeniable indication of lesbian activity- action cricket, action soccer, action netball… The lesbians love them some ‘action’, so if the woman you’re interested in play one of these sports you can be secure in the knowledge that you’re in with fighting chance.

5.     Wears Converse sneakers

Yes that’s right, any woman over the age of 18 that wears Converse sneakers is probably a lesbian. If she wears them to formal functions with jeans and a shirt then you really know for sure. Lesbians have probably kept the entire Converse brand afloat after they went out of fashion sometime in the late 90’s, and continue to do so in their droves. In addition, if a woman has more than one pair of said sneakers then it is not even a question anymore…She’s definitely a lesbian.

6.     Has a Pink live DVD

Lesbians absolutely worship the singer Pink, and most have at least one DVD of her live performances. Put one of these in the ‘ol DVD player and watch grown women be reduced to drooling, ogling simple-mined specimens. So a good way to find our if the woman you like is a lesbian just ask her what music she likes…If she mentions Pink, Katy Perry and/or The Veronicas then chances are she’s a lesbian.

7.     Worships Angelina Jolie

Now this one I really don’t understand but it’s true: lesbians love Angelina Jolie. They think she’s the hottest woman in the world (besides Pink and Shane from the L-word) and totally worship her. Ask any lesbian who her fantasy woman is and she will say the name of this crazy bisexual* actress.

8.     Has watched the “Twilight” movies more than once and has an unnatural affinity for Edward Cullen

For some curious reason, lesbians absolutely love the movie Twilight. On some level, most of them think that they are Edward Cullen, and after watching the movie usually start dressing like him. Maybe it’s out of a desire to appear deep and mysterious or maybe it’s just because Edward Cullen is really cool, but there can be no denying that the lesbians love them some Edward Cullen.

9.     Drives a ‘muscle’ car

Some feminine lesbians are very good at looking and appearing ‘straight’- sometimes to the point that even an expert Gaydar like my own wouldn’t detect them. I have always found with such women that they tend to save their gayness for their cars- they usually always drive some sort of ultra-masculine, heavy-on-the-petrol automobile like a Jeep or Range Rover or something. Some of them even ride motorbikes, which is a dead give-away for being a lesbian. So they moral of the story on this one is to never throw your hopes away until you have at least seen the woman’s car.

10. Was born/raised in the East Rand of Johannesburg

Seriously, I don’t know what they put in the water there but it seems like every woman in that place is a lesbian.  And what’s more, these are the ‘scary’ lesbians that one must be wary of in clubs, since they often have the testosterone levels of raging bulls on heat and will not hesitate to break your toes with their heavy-duty platform shoes.

So there you go ladies and closet cases, here is your ultimate list of how to determine whether that friend, co-worker, neighbor etc.  of your desire is a lesbian or not.  My job is done, now it’s your turn to go out there and take a chance on love!

* Disclaimer: Please be advised that this list does not apply to bisexuals, who tend to be crazy, promiscuous, indiscriminating and soulless in nature. If you want my advice, stay away from bisexuals at all costs…The only thing you will ever get from them is a broken heart and a bad case of the itches (in your nether regions!).